The Amazwi Villager

Written By Constance Rahlane

It is almost every woman’s dream to be paid lobola. Some women think lobola gives them respect and dignity. Others think it strengthens love and proves that their man is serious about their relationship. But what happens if a marriage fails and the man demands his lobola money back? This is not any woman’s dream at all. Precious Nziyani, 37, is living this nightmare after her eight-year marriage to her husband, Duma, failed.

Precious never thought her marriage would end in disaster, after Duma paid her family R3000 and three cows for her lobola in 1990. At first, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. “I never thought we could break up,” said Precious, taking a deep breath. “Everything was very beautiful; everyone was jealous of us.” The love started to die when another woman got inside their love circle. “He began to hit me and to come home in the early hours of the morning,” she said. However, the beating and cheating didn’t stop Precious from loving Duma. Even when he came home in the morning and hit her, she didn’t ask where he had been. “As a woman, I was taught not to be jealous of my husband’s behaviour, and it made him angry when I didn’t question his movement. He thought I didn’t care because [he thought] I was cheating,” she said. Duma soon impregnated another woman and took the mistress to live with his mother.

Precious’s silence didn’t stop the abuse. It continued until one horrible day when Duma crossed the line, and she said enough was enough. Precious remembers that day like yesterday although it has now been ten years since it happened. “I was busy cooking in the kitchen when I saw him come in with a young woman,” she recalled. Duma told Precious to move out of their room with their two year-old-son and sleep in the other room. He wanted to sleep with his new sweetheart. But Precious refused. She told them to go and sleep at his mother’s house like he used to. They did leave the house, and Duma came back later to apologize. She forgave him, not knowing the devil he had become. Later that evening, he asked her to walk with him to the bush, where he wanted to relieve himself. “When we arrived there, he changed. He pulled me into the big bushes. He started to kick me and hit me with thorny sticks, saying I don’t respect him,” she said.

Precious said Duma hit her until the early hours of the morning, when he took her back to their home and locked her inside with their son before going to work. Precious said she was rescued by her neighbour who heard the screaming of a baby, and knocked to discover the cause of the crying. Precious then screamed for help, and the neighbour broke down the door and took her to the hospital, where she was admitted for four days. Nevertheless, Precious refused to lay charges against Duma.

When she was released from the hospital, she went to live with her parents. Duma then sent people to beg her to come back to his home, although when she was in the hospital he never came to see her. Precious refused, remembering the beating and feeling her bruises.

With the marriage destroyed, Duma sent people to get a refund for his lobola, claiming he wanted to use it for another woman. But Precious’s parents refused, saying that they are not a bank, which saves money for eight years. Precious said Duma’s family got involved: they reported Precious to the induna (advisor to the chief). “When love dies, it’s very hard. It’s not like when it starts with two people. Lots of family members get involved,” said Precious. She won the battle at the induna because Duma was the person who caused the break-up. But that didn’t satisfy Duma. He went to Precious’s home, took their son, and ran away with him. However, a police order forced him to return the child. Precious said Duma also quit his government job, saying he does not want to pay maintenance for their son.

Now Precious is married to another man and has two children from the new marriage. Meanwhile she wishes that her parents had returned Duma’s money because every time he sees her, he reminds her that she is still his wife as his lobola has not been returned.

Even though many men like Duma think it is necessary to demand their lobola back after a marriage fails, Piet Nguma, 33, from Casteel disagrees, although his former wife and mother of his two kids left him for another man. “I didn’t ask her parents to bank the money for me. I paid it because I wanted their blessing for our marriage,” he said. Piet paid R5000, and spent eight years with his ex-wife. He never expected the marriage to end, but it did after he went to work in Johannesburg. When he came back home, his house was empty, no wife and children. “I was furious. I used to call her, but she never told me that she had moved in with another man. When I went to his home, I didn’t find her. I only found my kids,” he recalls. His parents told him she went to work at a lodge and lives there. But he heard through rumours that she was living with another man there. She confirmed the rumours by ending the marriage over the phone.

Piet said he never thought of demanding his lobola money back. Although it has been fourteen months since he separated from his wife, he is still hurting and has decided not to go back to Johannesburg. He wants to be close to his kids. Because she made him a proud father of two, he does not want his lobola money back. “She gave me two heads. I will always be grateful for that. Because of the that she dumped me, I won’t forgive her and wish her all the worst in her new relationship,” he admitted.

While some couples split up, others are just happy as ever, and they can’t think of anything that will come in their way. John and Lily Mathebula, 35 and 34, have been married for eleven years and have three kids. John paid lobola in 2002. He did it because he wanted to tighten his relationship with his in-laws and prove his love for his wife. However, if his wife left him to be with another man, he wouldn’t hesitate to demand his money back the same day. “If she went to live with another man, that guy would have to return my money or else there would be a big fire, and no one would be able to extinguish it,” said John in a deep voice. John said he wouldn’t demand it if they separated for other reasons.

Lobola is a well-known tradition of African culture, uniting and strengthening a relationship between two people who love each other and their families. But it does not always guarantee that marriage will last forever.